I am all for the First Amendment. Say what you want. However, if I hear these five words again, I will clamp my hands over my ears. Permanently.

1) “AWESOME!”

After 15 years of verbal assault, this word is still hanging around. If recaptured by film, the spider in Charlotte’s Web may replace “some pig,” “terrific,” or “humble” with “AWESOME!”

Then Wilbur will be required, by courtesy of updated computer tactics, to perform a triple Salchow, triple toe-loop to the thrill of gen z huddled over their mobile devices. If the plucky little pig cannot pull off this feat, Farmer Zuckerman will dispatch him to quick bacon-hood as opposed to glory at the state fair. (Fern did not comment as of presstime.)

2) “You look AMAZING!”

How else would we compliment boney, red-carpet divas, Miss America, Mrs. America, Miss Teen USA, Miss USA, Miss Universe, America’s Top Model, and blushing…